He Is Leaving Home
You know the Beatles song about that girl, and she's leaving home - you know, Taxman - well, in an entirely dissimilar fashion, I'm moving house tomorrow! Yay! This is a fine thing for many reasons. So, anyway, this means the following:
- Possibly less blog/Mikeynet updates until I get broadband, which may not be for a while because I am taking an internet holiday. The updates should be better, though, because I won't spend all my time messing around reading "List of people famous for their chins" on wikipedia.
- I am going to miss Doctor Who! Curse you, BBC, and your bias against the middle classes!
- I am going to read all those books that I bought and then didn't read.
- NEW SET OF KEYS!!!!
Posted on: Friday, 30th March 2007
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Video Diary #1
The sound is out of sync which is a bit annoying. Stupid Youtube. Idiots. Anyway, this video diary is entitled "Mike explains his video diary and tells some lies about weightlifting"
Edit: I've removed this until I can be bothered to encode it properly. I want proper youtube insults not just "omg the sound is rong u gay lolz"
Posted on: Monday, 26th March 2007
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Ambitions for the new financial year
Get a photo taken in front of the Salford Lad's Club doing a bad Morrissey impression
Move up a tax band
Create artificial life in a test tube
Purchase wife over internet
Buy a nice pencil and matching sharpener
Use a chainsaw
Buy some power tools and make holes everywhere
Win a game of Monopoly
Not accept "but that's just the way I am!" as an excuse for being horrid
Get people to visit Mikeynet
Win friends and influence people
Posted on: Monday, 26th March 2007
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Mac vs Linux
Mac: Hello there, I'm a Mac!
Linux: And I'm a PC with Linux on!
Mac: Check out my special skill, Linux. I can change my t-shirts! Red ones, blue ones, ones with He-man on, you know the kind of thing.
Linux: Pfft. I can change my entire clothes wearings system. I can wear shirts, jumpers, dresses, whatever. Sometimes, I wear pants on my head.
Mac: Really?
Linux: Yeah, and I can change my entire body - check this one out!
Mac: Ewww! That's gross! I can see your guts and everything!
Linux: Yeah! Look - I've got 5 kidneys now. Of course, 3 of them don't work until I've recompiled the kernal, but I won't do that because I might die. Also, check out my open source ODBC-compatible intestine.
Mac: Impressive... you've sealed up your insides - now put your clothes back on.
Linux: No... actually, I prefer it like this. Direct command line access to all my processes.
Mac: Is that a euphamism?
Linux: No.
Mac: You're a weirdo. I'm going to do some red-eye removal or something wacky in Photoshop. Please never call me.
Posted on: Wednesday, 21st March 2007
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more song titles
- The Loneliness of A Lung Transplant Runner
- Elizabeth's Kubrick Nightmare!
- The Third Track
- Hollyoaks Omnibus
- Thom Yorke, Calm Down [Gas Junction 5 Remix]
- Engel's Phyrric Market Victory
- Ski Sunday
- Escrow Babies
- Ski Monday
- Elizabeth's Kubrick Nightmare (Reprise)
- Do You Like Green Eggs and Capitalism?
- [ ]
- Super Track 58
Posted on: Saturday, 17th March 2007
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Nihongowa kakko desu!
THE WEEKEND!!!!!
I've got Monday off FOR NO REASON AT ALL!!! Yes! What will I do on Monday??!!?
Here are my options:
a) Visit space
2) Learn how to play the piano
iv) Look at guitars in the guitar shop
3) Buy some shoes
2) Sleep.
ii) Waste my day off watching daytime TV, eating sweets and messing around on the internet
3) Master one of the martial arts
4) Practice Japanese
My Japanese lessons are going quite well. Now I can say things like "Hello, I am Mike, you are not Mike. That is not Mike, I am Mike. Are you Mike?" or "It is half past 7 tomorrow," or "I like English beer and I don't like ham" and I can write them in hiragana with a paintbrush. When doing Japanese calligraphy, you have to clear your mind, and let the words fill you, and flow through the brush, or something. This is why I tend to use a biro.
Japanese is an interesting language; it's completely different to European languages, most of which evolved from Latin and ye olde German and have a fair amount of cross-pollenation and freaky vowel sounds. Japanese by contrast evolved pretty isolated from the languages of East Asia and only has 5 vowels. Oh, and 3 writing systems (4 if you count Romaji - i.e. the alphabet).
The other week we had to do a role-play in front of the class where I was the shop keeper and my parter was a customer. He said "Do you have any wine?" and I said "Yes, what kind of wine do you like?" and he said "French wine." and I said "here is the French wine" and he said "Can I have this wine?" and I said "Yes, it is a million yen," and he said "A million yen?!" and I said "sorry, I mean 1000 yen" and then he said "I would like this wine please" and I said "there you go, that is a thousand yen."
Next week we are going to do it in Japanese.
Posted on: Friday, 16th March 2007
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Train in vain
I was on the train today. In theory I like the train; standing on the platform with a mixture of tired commuters, travellers and teenagers; watching couples make tearful goodbyes as the train slowly chugs away, before sitting next to a man with a bowler hat who is reading the Times... but that's because I secretly wish it was 1937. These days you don't get the soothing chuff-chuff of the steam engine, you can just hear the tinny beats of three adjacent iPods and the arhythmic tapping of laptop keyboards.
There does seem to be a couple kissing every time I'm waiting for a train - this is a FACT - so maybe there is still romance in the railways. Or maybe they're following me around.
This blog entry was brought to you by the Daily Telegraph.
Posted on: Sunday, 11th March 2007
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song titles
- Spooky Piano Intro
- You're Weird on the Internet (but in Real Life You're Cool)
- Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Waltz
- Thom Yorke, Calm Down
- Daily Mail Hate Pigeon
- I'm Happy If You're Unhappy
- I Am Going To Kill 5 People
- Ropey Electronic Beep Interlude #15
- This One Sounds Like Pavement
- You Should Wear A Mask
- You Break It You Pay
- Picked Last at Football
- Wacky Outro (with Wurlitzer!!!11)
Posted on: Thursday, 8th March 2007
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back to the old (new) house
I am looking for somewhere to live. My criteria are a) has roof and b) plug sockets. a) is optional since it is nearly summer and I can buy an umbrella anyway. I'm not sure whether landlords are allowed to just sell their houses, but we have plenty of notice, and I'm too lazy to complain.
Besides, despite the obvious inconvenience, I'm looking forward to living somewhere else - I've lived in the current house for just over a year, and I haven't really made much effort to make it my own anyway. I couldn't afford any posters when I moved in, and then kept forgetting to buy some, so I've only got white wallpaper to look at. I don't have a desk either, but I have discovered that if you pull out a top drawer and lay a shelf on top of it, it's just like one! You have to move everything when you want to get clean underwear out though, so that's probably why the idea hasn't filtered through to the lifestyle supplements just yet.
The fact that I'm getting excited about the opportunity to decorate is scaring me though - further proof that I'm turning into my Dad. The other week, I went into Homebase - just for a look around!! Suddenly I have flashbacks to sitting in the back of the C-reg Ford Sierra for 90 minutes while my Dad "pops into" Wickes to buy some wood and a door handle. I wouldn't have minded, but I would rather have been watching Going Live than being "allowed" to listen to Brothers in Arms or Feargal Sharkey's solo album twice. (thought: It can't have been twice, can it, since the tape decks didn't turn themselves over in those days. Maybe he was only in there for 5 minutes and the sheer awfulness of Money for Nothing made each minute seem like an hour. Who knows? Aaargh, I feel like Guy Pierce in Memento! Anyway, all I know is that Dire Straits makes me think of Wickes.)
Also I might be able to break as many plates as I like with little financial outlay.
Posted on: Thursday, 8th March 2007
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threads.
I often wonder how the people of my hometown of Sheffield would react if it was the 1980s and there was a nuclear war. According to scary scary TV movie Threads, we wouldn't gain superpowers, we would actually be terrified and all die. It's really scary, actually, and worth watching - I've found it on Youtube and it has been giving me nightmares. Not only is it a realistic recreation of the effects of a blast on ordinary people, it's also an intriguing reminder of how the world has changed a lot in the past 25 years as well. For the better? On balance, probably. The war on terror is at least a hundred times less scary than the cold war. I have used the word scary a few too many times.
Posted on: Sunday, 4th March 2007
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picture this:
I have drawn you all a picture
Posted on: Saturday, 3rd March 2007
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last of the famous international smug millionnaires
Dragon's Den is quality. Someone comes in wanting some money to invest in their invention, like a special umbrella for dogs, or a board game all about the exciting world of dentistry, and they are then ripped apart by a gang of smug millionaires. The contestants enter by climbing a staircase into the dragon's lair, which looks suspiciously like an empty attic. I think it would be scarier if they were in a cave, but I am not a television producer.
There are 5 smug millionaires - the angry scottish one, the annoying english one who hates the orange-faced australian one, the orange-faced australian one who hates the annoying english one, the one with the funny voice, and the woman one. They make it quite clear that they aren't here for the cash - they could all buy your family and friends, have them liquidised, and then have giant replica gold statues of them placed outside your house, and they'd still have enough cash to knock down your house and build a Health Centre - but they won't, because they're here to help people become smug super-millionaires like themselves.
"Erm, hi, I'm Dave, and I have invented this machine; it's a dishwasher adaptor for a sink. It turns your standard kitchen sink into a machine which is almost as powerful and convenient as a modern standalone dishwasher. I have so far sold 500 and I have had major interest from a man who says he works at Currys."
"How does it work?"
"Well, you put it over your sink like this, and..."
"And that's as good as a dishwasher?"
"Almost, yes."
"How much does it cost?"
"£1000"
"Hmm... I'm willing to offer you £40,000 at 19%."
"Hmm... I'll take £40,000 at 15%..."
"OK, then, £40,000 at 15% plus your soul. And your shoes, I like them."
What always intrigues me is that the "dragons" (since when have entrepreneurs been called dragons?) is that they always ask the same basic questions (how much money have you made, what does it do, isn't that the stupidest idea ever?) and the would-be-businessperson is flummoxed! At the very least, I'd have a witty comeback prepared and throw my projected sales figures at them and run away giggling.
Posted on: Saturday, 3rd March 2007
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