My Favourite Films #1
The Third Man (1949)
directed by Carol Reed
written by Graham Greene
The Third Man is Harry Lime. I haven't really spoiled the ending, though, because it's kind of obvious. Despite the fact that the film is about him, Harry Lime (played by Orson Welles, first film: Citizen Kane, last film: Transformers: The Movie) doesn't even appear until two-thirds of the way through.
On being offered a job by his friend Harry Lime, writer Holly Martens (Joseph Cotten, out of, er, Citizen Kane again, and Shadow of a Doubt) arrives in pretty post-war Vienna only to find that everyone's gone out to a funeral - Harry Lime's. That alone can spoil your holiday, but Holly soon discovers that strange and sinister things are afoot. Each of the witnesses to Lime's death have contradictory accounts, and the porter swears he saw an unmentioned third man at the scene. Martens is drawn into a web of intrigue and confusion, tries to chat up Lime's old girlfriend Anna (Alida Valli) while battling not only Lime's shifty friends but grumpy British officer Major Calloway (Trevor Howard, adulterer, sorry, victim of tragic love in Brief Encounter). And to make it even better, it's got some of the prettiest black-and-white cinematography ever. Ooh, and the music's played on a zither.
Best Bit:
"Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."
Posted on: Friday, 28th April 2006
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Millionnaire Plan #1
I've got the best idea for an invention ever - microwavable toast.
Ah, you think it's a stupid idea. But it's not. Think about it. You've got up 10 minutes late, and you need to grab something to eat before another hard day at the office. Ramming toast down your throat as you sprint to the bus stop is a quality idea, but what happens if you don't have enough time to make the toast? Time is money in this fast-paced, multi-tasking world, and sometimes there just isn't time to wait for the toaster filament to get hot. My proposed solution? Pre-made toast, available from all good supermarkets. Just 15 seconds in the microwave, and it's just like real toast! Who cares if it tastes rank? It took a quarter of the time, and it's pre-buttered so you don't run the risk of getting margerine all over your shirt (or is that just me?).
It would come with a variety of popular toppings - jam, marmalade, marmite, cheese and I'd probably set up a factory where an army of Ooompa-Loompas would make them for me. It would be ace.
It's the perfect solution for today's modern executive.
Posted on: Tuesday, 25th April 2006
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What's hot and what's not
I'm going to do a Sunday Supplement feature for Mikeynet. Here's a sneak preview:
COOL:
Nick Robinson
We thought nothing could beat Andrew Marr but we were wrong!
Plates
The best food display kit this season. Who needs bowls?
Toasters
What could be a better kitchen accessory than this fantastic mini-grill that does both sides equally.
Pirates
Scourging the high-seas is back with a vengeance this May.
Liking rubbish things in a non-ironic way
How post-modern!
NOT:
Forks
Ever since we saw Posh eating her dinner with a fork
Crosswords
Have you ever tried to do one? All those words! Eek!
Sodoku
So 2005. Get over it, Vorderman.
Mirrors
Who needs to see their own face when your stylist does your make-up, You know it, girls.
Ninjas
Flipping out like a ninja? Not with my new shoes.
In the Observer Magazine, there's a column by Mariella Frostrup where people write in with a stupid problem and she gives them advice. The problems are always like this: "I'm going out with a man who wants children and I don't. I keep telling him that I want children but I am lying. My friends all say I should be honest or it will all end horribly." Mariella's advice is usually "be honest or it will all end horribly." It's like a problem page for people who don't have any actual problems. Things like this, plus the fashion pages and columns about, er, nothing are why I hate Sunday newspapers.
Posted on: Saturday, 22nd April 2006
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Magic Dave
Popworld, my favourite programme involving embarassing rubbish (and sometimes good) pop stars, has now finished for ever. Well, they have new presenters, but they will probably be pants.
It's not all bad, though, because Doctor Who starts tonight! Yay!
Anyway, because nobody downloaded my Magic Dave songs, here they are in order for your listening pleasure. I, I mean, er, Magic Dave, made them because he bought a microphone and was bored. They are from Dave's album, Your Home Is At Risk, which you can read about here in this Q-style interview.
Pocket Reference - An ode to small database language reference books
35% (Muscles) - A bit of science here in this educational song.
The Martian Song - This is where Magic Dave expands his sound, bringing in a cheap kid's keyboard and what is commonly called the "Chipmunk effect".
Facts - Magic Dave's instruments are provided by Yamaha. He hopes that Yamaha will send him expensive things like a new guitar and a motorbike.
Posted on: Saturday, 15th April 2006
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Local Letters Challenge Game
Why do people write into the local paper? Boredom? Lack of friends? It can't be because they have important and witty opinions that they want to tell everyone. It's always "Yesterday, I was suprised to find a young man looking in my bins. Upon enquiring why he was looking in my bins, he said it was because the government no longer provide free milk in schools or free buses. Has the country come to this? I'm voting UKIP! It's political correctness gone mad. Is it any wonder that our schools are in so much trouble?"
Sometimes, the letter writers are more liberal and write something like "Why don't the council do something about the condition of the so-called road outside my house? I pay so-called 'taxes' and still my street is dirty and frequently used as a highway by people I don't like the look of. If only the so-called politicians were doing something useful instead of this phony war!"
The best ones are the ones that say nothing - "I just saw a sparrow. It was quite nice." or "When I was young I joined the army. When I came out, I could tie my own shoelaces."
The thing all letters have in common are this:
1) They say nothing
2) They are written in a patronising tone
3) They are always wrong
4) They are littered with cliches
Anyway, here is my challenge: Write the most mundane, useless or ridiculously opinionated letter into your local newspaper and see if gets printed. I'd suggest writing into the Daily Mail, which is the best place to find ludicious correspondance, but a) it's fascist and b) it's about 90p. (Although, most local newspapers are owned by the Mail anyway. Which might explain something...)
Posted on: Thursday, 13th April 2006
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Questionable Cinematic Theology in no order.
10) Dogma
9) South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
8) It's a Wonderful Life
7) Time Bandits
6) All Dogs Go To Heaven
5) Bruce Almighty
4) Life of Brian
3) Star Trek V
2) The Matrix
1) that really long, boring one with Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins where Brad Pitt is Death.
Posted on: Thursday, 13th April 2006
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Questionable Pop Theology ordered by heresy
1) Heaven is a Place On Earth - Belinda Carlisle
2) Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
3) I Am The Resurrection - the Stone Roses
4) Jesus Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam - the Vaselines
5) Monkey Gone To Heaven - Pixies
I don't talk to Belinda anymore, she's well dodgy.
Posted on: Thursday, 13th April 2006
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The self-obsessed, paranoid ramblings of a madman
During a typically rambling conversation (when I wanted to know why we didn't have wacky adventures like Tim and Daisy in Spaced only without the drugs and benefit fraud) my housemate set me a challenge. Like Marty McFly and Anneka Rice, I never back down from a challenge. So, anyway, I said something about how scary it is asking girls out, which is why I've always avoided doing it in the past (even though I've wanted to). So anyway, according to this challenge, I have to ask someone out within the next two months. And it has to be someone that I'd want to ask out, so I can't just cheat.
But you see, surely once you ask someone out, right, you can never speak to them again, because however hard you try to act like nothing happened they will forever be Some Girl Who Doesn't Like You. And to them you will be Some Bloke Who Wasn't Really My Friend Because They Fancied Me. So then, you effectively lose a friend, and also you can't think that, y'know, maybe, one day, like perhaps maybe they might go out with you if you asked them or whatever. Because you did, and they said no.
Am I being paranoid? Probably. So, yeah, anyway, the only way to get around this challenge is by asking people that I don't know very well and can easily avoid in future. Or avoiding the challenge. Of course, the surefire way to avoid any kind of humilation is to not leave the house, and Not Write stuff like this on the Internet. I don't know whether anyone I like reads this anyway. If they do: hello!
And this is all assuming they say no - what if they say yes?! That's even worse!! I'd have to actually do something then and make effort. If it was an episode of Friends, I'd be one of those "wacky" dates or something, and Rachel wouldn't like me because I'd start talking too much about computers, bad television and Star Wars. They'd talk about it in Central Perk afterwards, and Pheobe would write a song about me, and they'd call me Geek Boy and everyone would mock Ross for being friends with me. Then Chandler would say something sarcastic, then I'd walk in to the cafe, hilariously, handing Rachel a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special, and then tell her for ages about my web site. Then I'd leave, and Chandler would say something else sarcastic like "Could he be anymore weird?"
So, yes. Following the example of Marty McFly, who would have messed up his own future racing Flea out of the Red Hot Chili Peppers down a road, but didn't, I think I might avoid this challenge until I stop acting like I'm about 14.
Posted on: Tuesday, 11th April 2006
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London Calling
from the far away towns. Etc, etc. La-da-da.
At the weekend I went on an exciting trip to London to see things and meet people off the Internet*. All manner of crazy things happened, but I won't bore you with those. Instead, here is an exciting pictorial record of the early afternoon when I walked around aimlessly looking at famous buildings.
Here's a picture of the Thames. It would look better if there wasn't that dirty grey cloud, but there you go. In the distance, you can see Canary Wharf, where Alan Sugar is, right now, firing some egomaniacal loon.
Above you can see a picture of me in front a shop for idiot tourists. You win points if you can tell me where it is.
Here is me in front of the Houses of Parliament. I am frowning as a protest against the Iraq war. Apparently, you aren't allowed to protest around there, except for one bloke who is allowed because he started the day before they banned it. If he goes home, our freedom of speech dies, possibly. It would be funny if I got arrested for frowning outside Parliament and Channel 4 made a documentary about it. If you're reading this web site, Blair, and I know you are. I wonder if I'll get my site blacklisted if I write "terrorism Blair kill bin Ladin death Hitler nazi Iraq"...? I sound like I write for the Independant, don't I?
To even things out... here's another picture of Blair's government restricting our freedom of speech / nanny state / political correctness gone mad. I'm not sure why I've taken a picture of this. Outside Downing Street, some people were arguing with a policeman about why they weren't allowed to protest. The security around there got me wondering what happens when Euan Blair comes home late and has forgotten his key.
Here's a picture of Buckingham Palace. Again, as a protest against the arms trade I couldn't be bothered to walk all the way down the road, especially since the chances of the Queen waving back were minimal.
I'm pointing at the BT Tower, once the biggest tower ever (in London), now just a tall building that's pretty useless. This picture is actually funnier because I didn't realise I'm under a sign that says "Mr Jerk".
My day in London was made all the more exciting by the fact that I missed my train and had a terrifying half hour ringing everybody I knew that lived in or around London. Fortunately, someone answered and set me up a place to stay. I had to get a train to Isleworth and then walk to this house of some people I can't remember the names of, and then I fell asleep. It's always good to completely terrify yourself by getting trapped 100 miles from home at least once in a while. Cheers, Steve. And Gareth as well.
* - Yes, I know. I don't have any real friends.
Posted on: Monday, 3rd April 2006
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