This is the weblog of Mike Congreve. Like Star Wars, only better.

Jobs and Gates love-in

Click here for a video of Steve "iPod" Jobs and Bill "fatal exception" Gates chatting about how great they both are. Actually quite interesting, if you're as sad as me.

Posted on: Thursday, 31st May 2007
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The Seven Signs of Ageing

The new Olay magic cream battles against the 7 signs of ageing, which they fail to describe on the ad. What are the seven signs of ageing?

You have lines all over your face where once you had smooth skin, like a young person
You have to be warned up to 3 hours in advance in order to do anything.
You want to grow a beard
You fancy TV newsreaders
You have over 6 mugs of tea a day
Watching MTV makes you feel like a pervert
When you drive past an old church you want to stop and have a look inside

Posted on: Monday, 28th May 2007
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So anyway, I have started my new job.

These are the best things about my new job:
Driving
I now work in Northampton. Famous people from Northampton include beaded weirdo Alan Moore and, er, shoeless DJ Jo Whiley. ZOMG! Anyway, to get to Northampers (as it is not known) I have to drive really fast down a road. It's great; I have not killed anyone yet which I consider a success.

Er... that's it so far. I've only just started. I have my own chair, but I had that in my last job as well so that's not that important. I just thought it was time I wrote something on here.

Posted on: Saturday, 26th May 2007
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facebook

Why is it that if I go around looking at pictures of people I don't know that well and getting automatic updates about their lives is known as "social networking" on the internet but if I do it in real life it's "stalking"?

Posted on: Friday, 18th May 2007
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He thought of cars

I've noticed that when people get cars they become really lazy. When they would previously be happy to walk 10 minutes to go to the shop as soon as they have a car this is Too Far and they drive there instead, thus killing their hearts and the environment in a double-whammy of death.

I only say this of course because I am getting a car and am determined not to fall into the trap of laziness. In fact, I might do pilates while driving, possibly while planting a different tree in the back every morning as a kind of carbon offset thing. Yes! I'm like that man off Newsnight that tried to live all ethical-like, only he blew it by flying to New Zealand twice a week and building the world's largest dolphin burning factory.

Posted on: Wednesday, 16th May 2007
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Mod-ern life is rubbish

Oh man! Moderating an internet forum isn't half tedious. Why did I agree to do it? For the power, that's why. It's just the kind of place where people decide to act like idiots, then get really angry when you get rid of them, moaning about freedom of speech. Except it's a privately run message board for the sole purpose of advertising a magazine. Grr.

I'm going to about 15 (3) weddings in the next 3 months. How thrilling is that? I'll tell you how much: 87%!!! If I am not going to your wedding, don't panic, there is still time to invite me. I'm not one of those killjoys who says things like "but I don't know who they are!" or "but I wish they were dead!" as a reason for not going so there's no excuse at all, really. (NOTE: You must invite me to the reception. In fact, don't bother about the ceremony. I won't even need a plate)

Posted on: Sunday, 13th May 2007
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this made me do a lol

Posted on: Monday, 7th May 2007
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Motorcycle Rubbishness

When I was 15, my favourite band were the Manic Street Preachers. This was because they were grumpy and also tuneful. They said things like "libraries gave us power!" and wrote songs about Things That Mattered. I read their 'official' biography, which seemed to be written by a Nicky Wire obsessed weirdo, and bought all their CDs (lolz!)

I never carved words into my arm or wore eyeliner though.

Anyway, then they went rubbish, and I later realised that actually they were never that good in the first place and the Smiths were better.

So I hear they have a new album out - but not just any other! It's actually a "back to basics" album; a statement of intent! That'll be why it has backwards R's on the front, not in homage to Toys R Us but referring back to their super-angry third album The Holy Bible, which was so angry that it almost went Cyrillic. Which strikes me as a bit, well... desperate. They used to say that about every album.

Nicky Wire is also back in the music papers saying stupid things like "I like Razorlight" just so he can have interesting pull-out quotes on the sides of articles. I hope he's not writing lyrics like those for SYMM which went something like "I saw something on the telly/It made me cross/Thank you, writers/For putting that on the telly/I'm not sure what I am writing/Blah blah blah quasi-fascist anti-socialist Breschnev feather boa leads to a backdoor 1984!". Perhaps.

Retire, you fools.

Posted on: Sunday, 6th May 2007
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virgin media = useless

Hooray! I am on the intronets! That's my weekend made up, then. What have I missed on youtube?

Posted on: Saturday, 5th May 2007
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