This is the weblog of Mike Congreve. Like Star Wars, only better.

FAQ

Why have you not updated this site or Mikeynet for ages?
Can't be bothered.

Have you done anything interesting at all?
No.

Will you be my friend?
No, go away and leave me alone. I hate you. Unless you have ice cream.

Posted on: Friday, 30th June 2006
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Stress-buster 4000

I went to see the doctor, and I'm not depressed, just a bit stressed and fed-up. But a bit less so now that I've realised that I am, to some extent, feeling sorry for myself. Here is my 4-step plan to being less stressed:

Ignore Instructions
Most stress is caused by people telling you to do things when you're trying to do something else, like reading about consecutive releases of MS-DOS on Wikipedia or making little paper chain men out of post-it notes. When they tell you off, see step 2.

Think about something nice
Like kittens or freshly baked bread. In extreme situations, think about trained monkeys dancing in fezzes. Ha ha!

Stop having friends
Friends and acquaintances are often a massive cause of problems. They're always saying "let's do something" or, even worse, they never are, and you think they have better friends and this is stressful. Or they are miserable and stressed all the time and you get worried about them so you get stressed. Having no friends also greatly increases your free time (depending upon how popular you were in the first place)

Stay in bed
When you're stressed, even simple things like deciding what to cook for dinner seems like a nightmarish Sophie's Choice scenario, especially when you realise you only have a slice of bread and an onion. Avoid all decisions by staying in bed. By this point you will probably get a phone call from your employer checking whether you're alive or not. Tell them you are but not enough to come into work and you will get time off.

Posted on: Thursday, 22nd June 2006
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Types of people in order of evil

Gandhi
.
.
Me
.
.
You
.
.
Politicians
.
.
Murderers
.
.
Recruitment agents who don't return my calls

Bill Gates is famously going to give away 95% of his money to good causes. A cynic (like, say, me) might point out that even if Bill Gates lost 99.9999% of all his money, he would still be able to buy you, your house and all your family. Of course, this ignores the fact that he doesn't have to give money away, and should be applauded. I'm tempted to write him a nice letter right now, perhaps outlining that I have certain financial difficulties (I don't have a car, but Gates buys a new fleet of chauffer driven Rolls-Royces' every Wednesday).

I'm not Microsoft's biggest fan, but people who claim they make awful software generally have no idea what they are talking about and should be forced to use CP/M for all eternity.

Posted on: Saturday, 17th June 2006
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Yet More Things I Hate

Cosmic Ordering
This is fantastic, actually. If you believe in something with enough positive energy it will happen. This has been proven conclusively by Noel Edmonds on Deal or No Deal by the fact that sometimes people want to win large sums of money and they do. Sadly, I don't have much in the way of positive energy, but I don't have so much in the way of negative energy that I get hit by buses that have fallen of aeroplanes. What happens if two people are positively focusing their energy on opposing things? Will they cancel eachother out, or will it destroy the cosmos? If you thought Mr Blobby was bad; wait until you see Edmonds bringing about the end of the universe.

David Cameron's fans
He's rubbish! Don't vote Conservative because you think he'll be any good! He's just Tony Blair with worse ties. The last Tory government was rubbish anyway, and if you're expecting the new one to by any good you are sadly mistaken. Also, does anyone have any idea what his policies are? Apart from "solar panels on roofs" and "nice things for all"?

Choice
Don't give me choices! Gaaaah! What makes you think that choice is a good thing? It's not! It just confuses and worries me. I spend enough time confused and worried and I don't want the pressure of whether to choose Honey Oat or Italian Herbs and Cheese while 5 increasingly irate looking business types glance at their watches. AAaaaah! Just pick me one! Even worse is when there actually isn't any choice but they like to pretend there is so you don't notice you're getting a raw deal. Hospital choice. Erm... the one nearest my house, please. You mean that's a rubbish hospital? Well, I'm glad you gave me the choice so I don't have to go to it. What? The other ones' full? Well, it is a popular one I suppose. AAARGH WHY AREN'T THEY ALL GOOD!?! Don't try tricking me into thinking that it's acceptable to have a rubbish hospital nearby if I have the "choice" to go to another one. Stupid Cameron, I mean Blair. Whoever.

Barbecues
The neighbours are having a barbecue. I can smell it. I hate them. I haven't been invited to any this year, either. That's a desperate plea disguised as a statement of fact.

People
I hate people. People are rubbish. All they do is get in the way all the time and annoy me. Like when I want to talk to someone, people come in and talk to them instead. Stupid people! Or when I want to walk down the corridor, people are in the way so I have to walk really slowly until I can walk around them. Ok, so if it wasn't for people, civilisation would collapse. I hate it when people phone, especially since it's never for me because nobody ever rings me. And most of all I hate it when people complain needlessly about things they don't understand. Yes, I am in a bad mood; leave me alone. I hate the paranoia and confusion of friendships and the effort you have to put in. I hate self-obessesed blog posts. I like readers of this blog, though. You're lovely.

Myself
Idiot

Posted on: Sunday, 11th June 2006
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