This is the weblog of Mike Congreve. Like Star Wars, only better.

Brown Trousers.

Tony Blair is no longer President of Britishland, and it seemed apt to make up some lies about him, because I am bored. It's interesting Blair and Brown's strange power-pact. I always thought Brown got a pretty good deal out of it anyway; being the man who weilded the cheque book and all. Imagine if Tony said "Gordon, I want to go to war. Can I have a few billion for some tanks and that?" and Gordon said "No, Tony, I am going to spend it on the NHS and on working tax credits. Ha ha ha ha!!" Anyway, apart from that it was a bit like those times where you'd go halves on renting a Mega Drive game from Blockbuster, and then your friend would hog it until the day it was due back, by which time your popularity had wained. I think I've mixed my metaphors there. Anyway: Facts:

During his time as shadow Home Secretary, Blair's opportunistic policies included: Making the working day start at 1pm, free beer, cushions at bus stops, and never fabricating a dossier in order to start an illegal war in the middle east.
Blair is an anagram of Lairb. Coincidence?
As a young backbench MP, Blair was famous for his sincere demeanour and his DIRTY LIES. And that his father-in-law used to be on telly

Posted on: Thursday, 28th June 2007
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Post-o-catch-up

So, then. I went to a wedding last weekend. I said I'd write about it last week, but I haven't since I don't have any pictures and I'm really tired. Well, I might do later. Next time I see Steve I'll get him to re-enact scenes from the wedding so there are photos. There'll be some of the same people at Jolly's wedding so I think I can get away with it. Nobody will ever know...

Posted on: Wednesday, 27th June 2007
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Don't Let Me Waste His Time

Yesterday I went to London to a friend's wedding (of which more later). It was one of those days where nothing seemed to go right; I had miscalculated the time it took to get to Leicester station, lost my railcard, and had already completely forgotten how to get to Richmond from the station. Suffice to say, I was not thinking clearly. Because if I was, the following story would not have occured.

I was walking along the platform towards the exit escalator at St. Pancras when my roving celebrity spotting eye saw none other than Pop Legend Jarvis Cocker!! "OMFG LOLZ!! WTF??!?" thought my brain - "Pop Legend Jarvis Cocker!!!" I could not miss this opportunity to say hello to one of my pop idols, especially since everyone else in the station seemed to be ignoring him. He would of course be impressed by my wit and charm and want to be my friend; the brief meeting of Sheffield minds would edify us both and he'd probably write a song about it.

I walked over, and, like some kind of uber-numpty, pointed at him and said "You're famous person Jarvis Cocker!"

He pointed back at me (at me!!) and said "yes."

What good fortune! I had in my pocket my camera because I was going to a wedding! So I could get a cool snap to impress all my friends!!

"Can I have a photo please?" I asked, "to impress my friends." (Did I say that??? Idiot!)

"OK..." he said, cautiously, wearing an expression which suggested he was aware he had nowhere to run except for the railway line.

I turned on the camera. There was a fault.

No Memory Card.

I had forgotten to put a memory card in my camera!

"Oh, er, it says no memory card. I'm a bit embarassed now...."

"You can shake my hand though," said Jarvo.

"Yes. Thank you. Er, I am a big fan. Nice to meet you, er, bye!" I said, scarpering in shame. I nearly said "Yeah, Okay, gotta go, going to a wedding!" like he'd say "Oh really, a wedding? Well, I mustn't keep you then!"

Moral of the story: don't meet your heroes because you will act like a fool, they will think you are an idiot, and everyone will be embarassed. Also, get a camera phone.

Posted on: Sunday, 17th June 2007
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Stupid life philosophies

"I'm not afraid of anything. If someone says something can't be done, I go ahead and prove them wrong."

This is a fine life philosophy, until someone suggests that you can't fly.

Posted on: Friday, 15th June 2007
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Band Name Aid: PART ONE

Here are some band names that you should buy off me if you are in a band. They are priced according to desirability and I will advertise the latest in each issue of NME and on a number of local public toilet walls.

The Nintendo 64
The News At Ten
The Cattle Grid
The Spanish Civil War
The Left-Hand Rule
The Big Four
John Paul and The 39 Articles
Pope Innocent IX
Slow Children Playing
Ikea Bathroom
Danger Nudes
Nixon's Enemies List
The Black Death
Fantasy Island
The Stanford Prison Experiment
The Internet Committee For Assigning Names and Numbers

Posted on: Thursday, 7th June 2007
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Broken Shelving Scene

I thought my laptop had died last night. It just switched itself off with a click and a quick, whimpering sigh. All switches and buttons were unresponsive and it was eerily cold to the touch.

"Perhaps this is what it would be like if there was no God and you have a stroke or something," I thought, "you just end. Right there. Transformed from a living being; a unique individual with hopes, dreams and desires, into a useless, empty shell of meat at the flick of a switch. On, then off. For ever. No amount of poking with a screwdriver can fix it and your memories mean nothing."

Luckily for me, atheism doesn't suit me and I worked out what the problem was (the battery had got loose for a second). AND SO there is an apologetic message there. [I feel I shouldn't have to say this, since my blog is always full of nonsense, but yes, I am fine, I'm not unhealthily fixated on death, and I'm not struggling. I just was letting my mind wander]

In other news, the shelves I built fell down at the weekend so I had to rebuild them - this time with nails! Lesson learnt: You cannot build things without nails or glue unless it is Lego. There is no apologetic message there.

Posted on: Thursday, 7th June 2007
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(RSS) Feed me, Seymour!

Those with no lives may be excited to know (after watching Gates and Jobs talking about how sexy the other is) that I've rejiggered the RSS feed on Mikeynet. Now it shows all the updates of subpages, rather than just the major page changes which it did before. Hopefully this will mean people don't miss so many updates - especially since Google Reader was quite erratic about how it treated them. Silly Google.

Posted on: Saturday, 2nd June 2007
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