Ac-cesspit
Why does Microsoft Access contrarily set up queries in a completely different way to everything else, somehow transforming a simple query into some kind of terrifying SQL nightmare??!?!?!
Posted on: Thursday, 30th November 2006
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decisions...
I like my new laptop - it's got a webcam and super-wireless power - but I really don't like Windows XP.
Should I install Linux... or would I be making a Terrible Mistake?
Posted on: Wednesday, 29th November 2006
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New film ideas
I've got some ideas for films.
Apocalypse Cow: A film about a load of cows that go mad and eat people. It will star Tom Cruise and Jessica Alba. Michael Bay or Martin Scorsese to direct.
Pacman Begins: A film about a little yellow face that goes mad and eats people. It will star Ryan Phillippe and David Schwimmer. This film should be able to direct itself.
Death Face 2000: A film about an exceptionally ugly man. It will star Charlize Theron and George Clooney who will win Oscars for pretending to be ugly. It will be directed by a re-animated marionette of Howard Hawks' corpse, which will be operated from above by a hive mind of IMDb reviewers.
Logan's Mum: A fairly self-explanatory sequel and prequel to Logan's Run. It will also star Al Pacino and Robert de Niro and be directed by a group of highly skilled monkeys.
Posted on: Wednesday, 22nd November 2006
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My Exciting Weekend
I had an entertaining weekend at the UCCF Graduate Conference. There were lots of people that I know and a fun and edifying time was had by all.
I bumped into my friend Sir Andy Jolly at the station. It took a couple of seconds to recognise him because he looked a bit like a homeless person. He is getting married soon - which doesn't really explain this picture:
Instead of summing up what the brilliant Don Carson said (he reads 500 books a year?) you should probably check out Rosemary Grier's notes. They're better than my notes, not least because I didn't write any. Isn't the picture on the left fantastic? Not only has he got a terrifying moustache, he looks like he could kill you with his eyes. A bit like the keyboardist from Sparks. In real life, though, he is nice and not scary.
The fly broke on my £3 Asda jeans which was, er, annoying. After a fruitless few minutes trying to repair it, I decided to conceal the hole by wearing a big jumper. While this did make me very hot, it was certainly better than the alternative which would have been unhelpful to say the least. If any readers noticed I trust this will be an adequate explanation. I am not a pervert.
Here is the Leicester CU contingent from the evening, excluding Dan Hames, because he wasn't there. My hair looks a bit odd. In fact, I don't look like I belong in that picture at all. Maybe I don't.
Posted on: Wednesday, 15th November 2006
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Wi-Li-Fi-Rant
Guess what - I might have got wireless networking working in Linux. If I have, I think I should be up for the Nobel prize for, I don't know, peace. Doing stuff in Linux is a hundred times harder than it should be. Part of the problem is the fault of hardware manufacturers refusing to publish specifications of their products, but I think the main issue is that Linux users are still self-obsessed crazy nerds. Take the average Linux user support thread.
Newbie75: "Hi, I'm a newcomer to Linux. I was wondering how I could get my super new Netgear WG111v2 USB wi-fi card to work with Fedora 5! Can you please help me?"
Tux12: "You should buy a better driver"
Tron: "You need to install ndiswrapper"
Newbie75: "Could you please tell me how to install ndiswrapper, what it is, and how to configure it?"
Tron: "GET AWAY NEWBIE SCUM!!!1111oneeleven GO BACK TO YOUR M$ WINDOZE X-pee ROFLSZZzzzzcofftololz!!!!!11"
Tux12: "Yes, simply type 'yum -install -f --h /F -$%ad /ndiswrapper-utils/' then configure it by altering the configuration file."
Seriously, do these people not understand that not everyone is some kind of L33t genius Unix master? There are good Linux tutorials dotted around, but most are rubbish.
Apologies for this rant if you don't know what I'm talking about. It won't be the last time.
Incidentally, does anyone read this blog? Leave a comment if you do, I'm feeling lonely and require some kind of validation from strangers.
Posted on: Wednesday, 8th November 2006
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Casino Rubishale
Dun-der-dun-dun! dun-der-dun-ddun! daah daaah daah daaah! Dur dur dur.
That was, of course, the James Bond theme.
Over the past 200 years, Ian Fleming's James Bond series has given us many memorable stunts and songs - take this one - "Goldfinger! He's the man with the golden touch! He likes gold! Oh yes! He does! He's gold finger! The man with a finger of gold! He likes it, he likes gold!"
Because of this, you can almost understand why some people are excited that there is a new film coming out. It's what they call these days a Franchise Reboot, which they used to call rubbing out and starting again.
But James Bond is officially rubbish. Even Sean Connery. He's terrible. Seriously. Here is why:
James Bond is sleazy "The namesh Bond. Jamesh Bond. Look at the way I'm raishing my eyebrow."
WOW!
He is a rubbish spy Obvious. Watching 24 and Spooks has shown us that being a spy is about being able to slink into the background, not about telling every supervillain your real name, favourite drink and then getting off with his girlfriend. And then when he gets stuck he always has a gadget to let him escape.
He is a misogynistic relic of early 20th century gender values and he slaps women and stuff. This is WRONG.
He drink drives and he shoots at people as well which is just as dangerous.
He sleeps around Probably spreading illnesses and things as well. Also, half the people he sleeps with die within 24 hours! These are not good odds.
He always gets captured - Jack Bauer gets captured a lot, but at least when he does it it's due to some super-efficient traitor ratting him out, not because he's just walked into some guy's high-security safe wearing a tux.
So we can conclusively see that James Bond is 100% rubbish.
Posted on: Thursday, 2nd November 2006
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last
Why don't people tell me what's going on ever? Why do I have to find out from third, fourth or even fifth party sources? Is it because of my smell?
Posted on: Thursday, 2nd November 2006
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